Greetings from Jesusland, Part 1

(Saint Kansas) With Ms. Kansas and daughter home sick, it fell to me to head out and forage for saltines, ginger ale, movie rentals and gossip magazines. I glanced over at the detritus in the passenger seat this morning and saw the typical stuff: Bill Bennett's The Death of Outrage, People (with that dreamy Johnny Depp on the cover), Velvet Revolver's Contraband, and Patrice Leconte's Man on the Train on DVD.

The missus picked up Velvet Revolver for my birthday, much as Homer Simpson bought Marge a bowling ball engraved with his own name. She thinks singer Scott Weiland is ever so hot and hints that I too could be so hot if I slimmed down just a bit. So here I am on the Scott Weiland diet, trying to assume the sekeltal frame of a heroin addict, but without the benefit of heroin.

Contraband is pretty good, though the band pretty much shot their wad with the first two singles, and the first wasn't all that to begin with. I headed over to the band's user-hostile Flash-based website to learn more about the band, to find Weiland's tedious entreaty to vote for John "fascinated by rap and hip-hop" Kerry. Shock horror!

Is it odd for me to be a fan of Bill Bennett and Velvet Revolver (and David Lynch and Thomas Sowell and Aphex Twin and National Review)? No more odd, certainly, than Velvet Revolver invoking Madeline Albright: "Ever since the fall of the Soviet Union there has been a lack of balance of power." Yeah, boo effing hoo, Scott. If only the people of Eastern Europe still had Soviet tanks patrolling their neighborhoods, we could enjoy a balance of power in the world.

But wait, there's more! "And brothers and sisters: with civil liberties under attack and censorship abound [sic], I implore you to make a choice for freedom." Let me get this straight: freedom is good for us, but freedom in the former Soviet states has left a dangerous lack of balance. That would make freedom in Iraq...

Bad. Our "motive...[in Iraq] has blurred into something completely different altogether: 'A free and democratic society for the people of Iraq', most of whom don 't want what we're selling them, and never will."

Sorry Scott, I'll buy your CD, but sell your story somewhere else. Damn, why do so many people who call themselves "artists" have to be so damn tedious?

"Twelve years ago, as an artist I felt a freedom to express my ideals, thoughts, and hopes, even those that were not consistent with what was considered politically correct or deemed in line with current patriotic values. But all that has changed. Censorship has reared its ugly head. Not since the days of 'McCarthyism' in the 50's has their [sic] been an actual public fear of persecution that was based in reality. Since I started this last album - the creative process, press, video, lyrics, album art, website art; I have been up against an unseen enemy that has been put in place by this current 'fascist-like' regime: censorship, and the persecution that comes with it."

Censorship? What, do you mean that Parental Advisory (Strong Language) logo? Thank Tipper Gore, First Lady from 1992-2000 for that. Edited version also available? Um, blame Halliburton...I mean Wal-Mart. Your pills 'n' boobies website (which keeps crashing Firefox 1.0, by the way)? I did notice the "I am over 18" button, along with the forums chock full of rockin' kiddies. My fave post:

Hi,
I´m pretty upset about the people in my band (a band just for our last day of school)...
We decided to pick a song per musician and I told´em I´m open for almost everything.
I wanted to perform ESTRANGED by GNR (I´m a guitarist) and when we met and I told them about it and it´s lengh (about 10 mins) they immediately began bullshittin!
"We can´t play it,it´s much too long and complicated"
"The kids from fifth grade wouldn´t understand it...Blablabla!"
Man I hate it!If they ain´t got the balls to play such a powerfull ballad and think that nobody wants to hear it,they´re stupid and retarded!

Anyhow, Scott, drink an Ensure and cash that $0.09 royalty check from the missus. I'll be cruisin' around my red state in a SUV with a W04 sticker on the back and "Sucker Train Blues" (unedited, thanks) on the stereo.