Kenny Chesney Is My Bitch

Today the missus and I celebrate 11 years of wedded bliss. And by "celebrate," I mean gather 'round the vaporizer and inhale Vick's Vapo-Steam. The missus has a sinus infection on top of a really nasty month-long lupus flare, so we'll be retiring early. OK, I did bring home a box of Godiva truffles, so our taste buds are taken care of.

Thing is, we're married. We're committed. Her lupus has switched up the game, certainly, but we're 100 percent man and wife 'til death do us part, in sickness and in health, hair loss schmair loss. That's why I have nothing but contempt for all of the 5-month "marriages" I read about in the grocery line. If you have a bazillion dollars, no children, and your health, just shut the hell up. You've got no damn excuse at all. "We just couldn't make it work." Work on this, Brad and Jen and Julia and Lyle and Billy Bob and Angelina and Tom and contractually obligated She-Tom.

So, who wants the almond truffle?

This Photo Was Retouched

Editor's note: The photo of Donald Rumsfeld that originally accompanied this story was altered in a manner that did not meet SAINT KANSAS's editorial standards. The photo has been replaced by a properly adjusted copy. Photos published online are routinely cropped for size and adjusted for brightness and sharpness to optimize their appearance. In this case, after sharpening the photo for clarity, the editor brightened a portion of Rumsfeld's face, giving his eyes an unnatural demonic glow, as well as suggesting he wields the ability to shoot bolts of energy from his fingers. This resulted in a distortion of the original not in keeping with our editorial standards.

The Morning After

OK, so you know the bit where you get stinking drunk and wake up the next morning with a new tattoo? Well, after drinking a bottle of shiraz last night, I've awakened to find I downloaded the new t.A.T.u. record from iTunes.

And it's pretty good. (Like I'm going to argue with a five-star review entitled "OMG THIS ROX MY SOX!!!!!) I'm actually a reluctant fan of t.A.T.u., having first adopted a faux obsession with the band as a running joke on another band's web forum.

In case you didn't know, t.A.T.u. are the creation of some Russian Svengali who put auditioned hundreds of girls for his "band": two teenage lesbians who appear in their videos either making out, stealing semitrailers, blowing up schools, or in their new video, blowing away a man who threatens to put his penis between us ... um, them. You won't see it on MTV because of their policy of not showing guns -- unless they decide, as in the case of Jay-Z's "99 Problems," that firearms are "essential to the artist's vision." You know, just like you'll never see guns on Viacom's CBS, Paramount Pictures releases, Showtime ... because they care. Janie's got a gun, but you shouldn't. t.A.T.u.'s gun policy? The duo refused to perform at the MTV Europe Awards unless fitted out with real machine guns as props.

Anyhoo, if all pop stars are fake, give me the fakest. Viva t.A.T.u. They rox my sox.

UPDATE: Thanks to iTunes's new user reviews, the praise is rolling in. Behold a selection:

BUY THIS CD. IT'S NOT ABOUT RUSSIAN PSYCHOLOGIST MASTERMINDS ANYMORE.

This alnum is so amzing.

The album is pure genious.

Heartfelt lyrics, beautiful lyrics, and rhythmns that go to you toes. And make horny =)

I love this CD sooooo much.

UPDATE 2: So Viacom's MTV won't show a 50 Cent video if it has a gun in it, but Viacom's Paramount slapping up billboards in front of schools featuring a gun-totin' 50 Cent? It's all good in the hood, G!

Dearest Reader: Please note that after seeing the terribly unfunny promo video at amazon.com, I've upped the Al Franken Threat Advisory to severe. Do not attempt to approach Al Franken. Al Franken can become easily unsettled during Al Franken's book publicity tour season and act erratically and dangerously.

You Heard It Here First

The missus has turned me on to the pleasures of Guiding Light's Tom Pelphrey, whom she describes as the illicit love child of John Malkovich and Keanu Reeves. Thing is, she's dead on, and this guy is bound for greatness. (And no, I don't watch the show, but I've taken to CBS's podcast of the soap...the boy's easy on the earbuds.)

Six Degrees of David Lynch

OK, so (1) my wife's (2) half-sister used to date (3) the guy who went on to direct Slingshot, starring David Arquette and (4) Balthazar Getty, who starred in Lost Highway, which was directed by (5) David Lynch.

A Christmas card would be appreciated.

My Happy Place

You can come, but don't tell anyone else:

1. In Dashboard (you are running OS X Tiger on a Macintosh, right?), click on the little "i" on your clock and set your time to Europe:London.
2. Go to XFM and click the Listen Now link. (Caution: Windows Media Player required).
   
3. Go to CamVista and stream the London webcam.
4. Um, shoot some heroin or something, 'cause otherwise you're just some schlub pretending to live somewhere in London with a really nice view. And that's just sad.
   

Bono Appetit

Many thanks to Dawn for alerting me to today's lunch date between George W. Bush, President of the United States of America, and Bono, Lead Singer of U2 of Ireland.

See that, Thom Yorke? Freaking Bono Vox makes you look like a little rock 'n' roll pussy.

Are you going to sit there and take that? Activist my ass. Go have a crumpet with Tony Blair.

Madeline Albright: Secretary of Sexiness

Allure magazine was about the last fashion magazine my wife could read without having her politics insulted (in the context of, say, an article on the new capitalist fall eye shadows). In the October 2005 issue, though, Allure jumps into the political fray with its "Year in Beauty" wrap-up, with a photo of Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice and the tasteful heading, "Cracking the Whip":

A United States secretary of state must display subtlety, flexibility, and clarity, but most of all...power. For women, it can be especially complex. Madeline Albright did it with a motherly, sometimes flirtatious manner than thinly concealed this subtext: After exhausting all diplomatic options, she would personally snap your neck like a twig [between her thighs, perhaps? - Ed.]. Our current secretary of state...seems to be wearing a helmet. Her much-parodied, armor-plated hair flip is visual shorthand for the administration: straightlaced, rigid, and impenetrable--even in jest.

You read that right, so I guess I'll be seeing y'all right back here next time you Google "Madeline Albright" AND flirtatious. Who's the motherly diplomat who's snappin' all the boys necks? MADELINE! Damn right.


Madam Albright - Her milkshake brings all the boys to the yard.

Worst Metaphor Ever - Finalist

There's no author credited with this one, but it appeared in a brochure for an e-learning conference:

Poet, educator, historian, best-selling author, actress, playwright, civil rights activist, producer and director, Maya Angelou is one of the great voices of contemporary black literature and a remarkable Renaissance woman.... She has developed a unique ability to shatter the opaque prisms of race and class that so often divide us.

If I ever come across an "opaque prism of race and class" that needs shattering, you know who I've got on the speed dial.

No Shit!

Nearly 70 percent questioned in an Associated Press-Ipsos poll said people are ruder than they were 20 or 30 years ago.

Important Sensitivity Meter Recall Information

An article on children's TV shows in the Oct. 8 issue of the Wall Street Journal shines the light on Nickelodeon's hidden racist agenda:

Dora the Explorer's cousin Diego has a good shot with her loyal fans. Amy Flynn, director of the Bank Street Family Center in New York, liked the lesson about matching size and color in an episode in which Diego reunited a lost penguin with his colony, but had some worries. "The ultimate message is, 'You don't belong here because you don't look like us,'" she said. Nickelodeon says that both "Dora" and "Diego" stress diversity by featuring Hispanic main characters and that categorization is an important scientific concept.


Nick Jr.'s Diegeo - What makes you think he won't cut you?

We Are The World Can't Wait

OK, so the "Drive Out the Bush Regime" signs have gone up around town (and, sadly, on my street), so I thought I'd slip into some old clothes and rubber gloves and have a look at the website behind the signs, worldcantwait.org.

The disclaimer "Best viewed in any browser except Microsoft Internet Explorer" warmed my albeit tiny conservative heart, but the "about us" link revealed the usual, except for this pearl from founder Joe Tougas:

I was born and grew up in Vermont. I was in the Navy from 1990-1994 as a deep sea diver. Bush Sr. declared war on Iraq on my third day of bootcamp. I was told I was going to fight and die for oil, but the war was over by the time I got through all my diver training.

Yes, he was told (by whom, we don't know) that he was going to fight and die for oil...'cause God knows that it was the DEEP SEA DIVERS who were instrumental in driving Saddam's army from the Kuwaiti desert.

Who else is there? Lessee...Debra Sweet was 19 when she told off President Nixon, and Mark James tells us he "came of age during the Vietnam war" and in this new movement he has "recaptured my youthful yearnings for a better world." No way! Are you telling me that a large part of the "antiwar" movement is aging hippies trying to relive their college days? And the other part is pampered college kids trying to make themselves seem relevant by latching on to aging hippies?

Frankly, I don't think this crew will have any problem "driving out" the Bush regime, by, say, January 2009. I know the world can't wait, but seeing as the world is about 4 and a half billion years old, couldn't out next demonstration be of, say, a little patience? You protest monkeys were pretty damn quiet last administration.

Global Warming Proved; Traced to Radio Singer's Ego

More Annoying Than Coldplay? Sadly, Yes

OK, I can't take the suspense. For two weeks, the English music website NME (online arm of the New Music Express periodical) reported that Radiohead singer Thom Yorke was "considering" meeting with Tony Blair on behalf of eco-alarmists "Friends of the Earth."

Let me repeat: the headline for two weeks was that the SINGER of the POP BAND Radiohead ("I'm a creep/I'm a weirdo") was thinking about meeting with Prime Minister Tony Blair regarding global warming. As in, Moses is "considering" meeting with God, pending an invitation.

Well, the invitation has arrived. "Mr. Prime Minister, would you consider meeting with Thom Yorke?"

"Who?"

"You know, the Radiohead guy. sings I'm a creep, I'm a loser?"

"Oh yeah, him. Sure."

But...get this...Thom doesn't know if he's going. Always devoted to the fans, he had to ask their opinion via the band's website (which in 2000 included a handy link to the Ralph Nader campaign). "Gee, do you think I should go?"

Did I mention I'm thinking of painting my dining room? What do you think? I really need your opinion. I really, really need to know what you think.

Look, OK Computer is the best album of 1997, hands down. How that relates to global climate change, I don't know.

Did I mention that Thom Yorke is considering meeting with Tony Blair? Stay tuned for the exciting continuation, as Yorke ponders this monumental conundrum while sorting his sock drawer.

This Zombie Has Brains

A bit ironic, isn't it, that a guy called Zombie is the one showing signs of life regarding the much-ignored Oklahoma suicide bomber story. You really should check out his aerial view of Norman, Oklahoma with a literal line drawn from the bomber's apartment, past the friendly neighborhood mosque, to a packed football stadium. So, who kills himself with shrapnel?

I Wish

A Republican being elected mayor of Cleveland? Not bloody likely. But as long as we're dreaming, why not movie director David Lynch for Cleveland mayor? He and former mayor Dennis Kucinich could team up on a taxpayer-funded $1 billion "peace center" along Lake Erie. "No, seriously, it will create thousands of jobs for Cleveland residents!" Hey, they've bought it before. Hello, Rock Hall!



UPDATE: Wow, so yesterday's primary turnout was a staggeringly embarrassing 16 percent. That's right, 16 percent. What could possibly explain such a low turnout? Well, how about the fact that no one in Cleveland gives a flaming fuck? Yes, local media, you may quote me on that. The T-shirt pictured above will be the only good thing to come out of this election cycle.

AMEN, BROTHER: Bruce F. Abens writes to some rag called the Plain Dealer:

"...both of the candidates who survived the primary have been at the helm for the last four years, and these four years have been dismal. Both lack vision. Both lack leadership abilities. And both lack any semblance of offering anything new and different for the city.

Jane Campbell can only emote over the issues and depends heavily for help on Dennis Kucinich - a congressman who cannot even get a tourist pass to the White House, let alone a presidential invitation. Frank Jackson will blame everything on racism and can count on agreement from Stephanie Tubbs Jones - the only congressperson who would get a worse reception than Kucinich at the White House.

Clevelanders have not figured out that if you always vote how you've always voted, you'll always get what you've always had."

Obviously the reason so many liberal Democrats have failed one after the other is because they weren't liberal enough or Democratic enough. Is there any other possible explanation?

That Explains So Much

Al Reuters reports today on the ills facing "progressives," especially those gatheringen masse:

WASHINGTON (Reuters) - Small amounts of a bacteria that causes "rabbit fever" were found on Washington's National Mall last weekend as thousands of protesters marched against the Iraq War, U.S. health authorities said on Saturday.

...

Symptoms of the disease, which an infected person would have begun experiencing no earlier than on Monday, include...progressive weakness.

Do you find yourself compelled to apologize to the world? Do you want to bring home soliders who are fighting abroad to protect your freedom? Do you wish to appease Islamists who want you dead? Ask your doctor if you may have Progressive Weakness.