Door No. 3

So each and every day I pass a heartwarming "Resist or Die!" sticker left over by one of the tiny handful of moonbats who made up the "Drive Out the Bush Regime" tea in Public Square in November.

Now, I didn't resist, and I didn't die. But I guess it takes a challenge to one's own mortality to get the kids out of bed these days. Sure, when P. Diddy says Vote or Die, you listen, bitch!

Alas, back to work on my line of children's books: Eat Your F&$*#in' Green Beans or Die!, followed by Clean Your Goddamn Room or Die! next summer.

All I Want For Christmas Is A Big Fat F#@$^*ing Break

Did anyone else catch the video of this pathetic display? I just wanted to shout out, "Whoa, slow down there Rep. Brainiac! We're don't all have a Ph.D. in economics!"

Rep. Jim McDermott, D-Wash., used two red Christmas stockings - one labeled rich and one marked poor - to demonstrate who benefits from the tax cuts.

From the poor stocking, McDermott transferred small presents representing benefits for the disabled and elderly, college loans for students, and money to pay for food stamps, health care and efforts to collect child support from deadbeat parents.

"Let's take food stamps away from 300,000 people. `You can't have food stamps poor people, we've got to give a tax break to the rich people,'" McDermott said. "What's left for the poor people? Look at that, a lump of coal. The poor people better save that lump of coal because there's nothing in here for their heating bills."

I suppose I could lie and say I was appalled by his Eurocentric attempt to perform a religiously themed ritual on the House floor, but I'm sure the ACLU is filing the lawsuit as I post this. Sadly, I'm sure some glue-sniffing intern came up with this stunt and will be running for the same seat in a few years.

Here's Hoping

...that Ang Lee's Brokeback Mountain is a blockbuster hit and cultural touchstone, 'cause I can so do the gay cowboy look.

I Don't Have AIDS

Note to self: cross "have unprotected anal sex with Rosie O'Donnell" off of to-do list. She apparently has AIDS.

We're Number 2!

The "nation's report card" is out, and Cleveland public schools rank second only to Washington D.C. as the lowest-scoring.

You know, second. That's the number two. You know, if you held up your trigger finger and the finger you use to flip people off.

"This is incredibly misleading," schools CEO Barbara Byrd-Bennett said. Byrd-Bennett promised to work harder to ensure Cleveland schools are in first place in next year's rankings, regardless of the expense. Look out D.C.!

Million Dollar Idea No. 2

Faking Your Own Death as a Career Move: A How-To Guide