Great Expectations

I'm actually very excited about the big Democrat sweep yesterday, both here in Ohio and nationwide. I've decided to jump on board, accept the promises made during the campaign, and expect good things to happen over the next two years. For example:

1. An upsurge in partial birth and other abortions will provide adequate stem cell material to find a cure for my wife's lupus. Perhaps Christopher Reeve will even walk again.
2. Until that cure is found, the government will pay the thousands of dollars a year in medical costs that, under the current Republican regime, come out of my pocket.
3. Our troops worldwide will be recalled, retrained, and redeployed across the United States, delivering free food and medicine (see No. 2).
4. All of the factions in Iraq will set aside their differences in a united, “Phew! Thank Allah they’re finally gone!” gesture reminiscent of the in-laws’ post-Thanksgiving exodus.
5. Public education will receive adequate funding, and my local school district, recently upgraded from "Academic Watch" (congrats!) will no longer have to struggle by on only $10,000-plus per student and be able to add free dinners to its menu of year-round free breakfasts and free lunches.
6. Atheists like me will no longer be persecuted and jailed under the current pseudo-theocracy and will be free to criticize all religions (Islam excluded).
7. I’ll sleep better at night, no longer awakening at 3 a.m. worrying about how the French and Germans feel about me today.
8. I may soon be able to “come out” as a Republican to my gay friends and share helpful wedding tips.
9. The Rich will finally get theirs, and tax brackets will reflect popularity and be determined on a case-by-case basis by a focus group. (“Bill Gates?” “Boooo! Ninety percent!” “How about Jay-Z?” “Mmmm…he’s OK I guess. Ten percent.”)
10. A fully funded NEA will buy me a new harmonica, a solid-platinum crucifix, and a 55-gallon drum of Anal Lube so I can finally realize my performance art piece.