Great Moments in Censorship

Today's top three affronts to freedom of expression from around the world:

1. A court in Yemen sentenced newspaper editor Kamal al-Aalafi to a year in prison for reprinting Danish cartoons depicting Mohammed.
2. In China, Chen Guangcheng was sentenced, following a closed-door hearing, to four years in prison in what critics call "retribution" for exposing forced sterilizations and late-term abortions in the name of China's one child policy.
3. Finally, in the United States, the very brave activists Dixie Chicks were disappointed to learn that "Shut Up and Sing," the documentary playing in 71 theaters and blowing the lid off the plot to silence them for their political views, has so far grossed only $640,000 after a month in theaters. Filmgoers may recognize the image of the Chicks on the movie poster from the front cover of Entertainment Weekly, which previously had run a cover story and feature interview detailing how the Chicks had been silenced by the media. U.S. citizens can expect to hear much more from the Chicks in the future about their ongoing fight against censorship.
   

Yodeltastic

Yes, the new Gwen Stefani single -- the one that samples "The Lonely Goatherd" from The Sound of Music -- is hot as ****. And yes, you, as a seasoned DJ, do realize that sampled accordion and yodeling over hip hop beats is nothing new -- hell, it's old skool. The classic track you're thinking of is '89's "Bring Me Edelweiss":



(And no, Ms. Stefani is not the first to enjoin you through song to wind it up; if you're gonna download her single, treat yourself as well to '93's "Wind It Up" by the mighty Prodigy (iTunes link).

Gonna Cut You Down

When the film "Walk the Line" came out, I wrote a post about how strange it was for me to see the media's "re-creation" of the man's legacy. Turns out all those testimonies alongside Billy Graham in packed stadiums never actually happened. (Joel of Chez Joel picked up on that phenomenon as well.)

So it was so sincerely gratifying to again find out I'm not the only one. A new Johnny Cash video (caution: this link will launch iTunes) popped up on iTunes last week, and I (well, my musical alter ego, Shatterglass) just had to post my two cents to counter the quartet of five-star reviews. I was prepared for a brutal flaming, but lo and behold: a number of reviewers started to weigh in on my side of the balance.

Don't misunderstand: this is a ten-star recording. But c'mon...the offense of "Walk the Line" is multiplied here exponentially. Who should appear in a posthumous video? Turns out, even leftist celeb in Hollywood. Reverend Billy Who? I don't know about you, but when I think Johnny Cash, I think Chris Rock, Sheryl Crow, the Dixie Chicks, Dennis Hopper, and, of course, Justin Timberlake.

The irony, of course, is that the song, "God's Gonna Cut You Down," has everything to do with the fact that there are no celebrities in the eyes of God. Sadly, we non-celebs don't even get the guity pleasure of seeing them cut down; the makeup is minimal, though, so seeing one carefully calculated non-glamourous frame is your own gift from the celeb-gods, like when Madonna was caught up in the message of the first Live Aid and didn't bother to dye her hair for her performance.

I'm not going to jump on the bandwagon and claim I always was a huge Johnny Cash fan (before it was cool), but no lie: I miss the man more and more every day.

Inner Beauty

Yet another "ultimate holiday gift for the person who has everything": a portrait of your DNA, suitable for hanging.

Actually, I think they look really cool.

Because You Asked

On a recent out-of-town family trip I was chafing at the bit to get on the road and get home. "Why do you want to go home so badly?" asked my daughter. "All you're gonna do is watch Doctor Who and rub the dogs on your face."

Which is true.

In other exciting personal news, I pulled 17 socks out of my sock drawer this morning, and no two matched.

Safe Sex Education

Spotted this morning on the sidewalk in front of the Cleveland Academy of Court Reporting:

1. Shards of automotive glass
2. A three- to four-foot length of rope
3. A used condom, neatly knotted at the base
4. A professional dental pick
   

"Syria Offers U.S. Help in Iraq"

Nothing has put my mind at ease like that front-page headline since Michael Jackson offered to watch the kids while Jeffrey Dahmer makes Thanksgiving dinner.

Great Expectations

I'm actually very excited about the big Democrat sweep yesterday, both here in Ohio and nationwide. I've decided to jump on board, accept the promises made during the campaign, and expect good things to happen over the next two years. For example:

1. An upsurge in partial birth and other abortions will provide adequate stem cell material to find a cure for my wife's lupus. Perhaps Christopher Reeve will even walk again.
2. Until that cure is found, the government will pay the thousands of dollars a year in medical costs that, under the current Republican regime, come out of my pocket.
3. Our troops worldwide will be recalled, retrained, and redeployed across the United States, delivering free food and medicine (see No. 2).
4. All of the factions in Iraq will set aside their differences in a united, “Phew! Thank Allah they’re finally gone!” gesture reminiscent of the in-laws’ post-Thanksgiving exodus.
5. Public education will receive adequate funding, and my local school district, recently upgraded from "Academic Watch" (congrats!) will no longer have to struggle by on only $10,000-plus per student and be able to add free dinners to its menu of year-round free breakfasts and free lunches.
6. Atheists like me will no longer be persecuted and jailed under the current pseudo-theocracy and will be free to criticize all religions (Islam excluded).
7. I’ll sleep better at night, no longer awakening at 3 a.m. worrying about how the French and Germans feel about me today.
8. I may soon be able to “come out” as a Republican to my gay friends and share helpful wedding tips.
9. The Rich will finally get theirs, and tax brackets will reflect popularity and be determined on a case-by-case basis by a focus group. (“Bill Gates?” “Boooo! Ninety percent!” “How about Jay-Z?” “Mmmm…he’s OK I guess. Ten percent.”)
10. A fully funded NEA will buy me a new harmonica, a solid-platinum crucifix, and a 55-gallon drum of Anal Lube so I can finally realize my performance art piece.

Seminarian Lovesick Tunes

Hello, Dawn Patrol visitors (which covers, frankly, 99 percent of you, along with the one freak searching Google for "Mick Hucknall AND Olive Oil.") Yes, that's me on Dawn's awesome new video, Chastity Rome-Chick Blues. I deliver your Bob Dylan parody soundtrack in 6 hours or your next one's free.

Anyhoo, click the link above and add your rating.