Saint Kansas

Corporate Tool

2009-05-13T14:21:00.005-04:00

Some might say that Fall Out Boy bassist Pete Wentz has sold out from his punk roots, so what a relief it was to hear him take a stand against corporate greed last night from the stage of the Time Warner Cable Amphitheater (NYSE:TWC) in Cleveland, the band's lastest stop on their tour presented by Live Nation, Inc. (NYSE:LYV).

"We feel stupid being given a stage this big and not speaking out," Wentz noted between songs.

I really enjoyed Fall Out Boy's latest CD (on Decaydance/Island), which I picked up at Target (NYSE:TGT) thanks to the distribution services of Warner Music Group's (NYSE:WMG) Alternative Distribution Alliance.

So I went ahead and shelled out $80 for a pair of tickets for their show. I would have liked to have had the chance to discuss corporate greed with Mr. Wentz personally, but I didn't have the $300 for the pair of VIP tickets to the band's pre-show meet-and-greet. (I believe opening act All Time Low were available for a free meet-and-greet, thanks to AT&T Signing Stage sponsor AT&T, Inc. (NYSE:T)).

Live Nation stocks were off 6.31% on volume of 629,951 shares the day following Wentz' anticorporate broadside, but Live Nation still expects to meet 2009 earnings projections due to the company's strategy "to increase relationships with larger corporate sponsors [including JTI, Anheuser-Busch and Comcast]" and a 45% reduction in capital expenditures in the first quarter "in line with our current plan to reduce overall capital expenditures to less than $55 million for 2009, down from $187 million in 2008."

Ears, boxed

2009-02-09T10:04:00.002-05:00

This is my aural color scheme, according to BBC Radio 1.

Question, Answer Thyself

2008-11-06T12:49:00.002-05:00

The top two headlines today on gaming site 1up.com:

Spamming Heads

2008-11-04T09:21:00.001-05:00

I downloaded (for free) the new David Byrne/Brian Eno single a couple months ago and got spammed today, Election Day, for my trouble:

Pardon the bulk mailing. [Editor's Note: No.] I Can't Vote. I am an immigrant with a Green Card and, therefore, I am not eligible to vote in a federal election...

But most of you can vote. What can I say? The Republicans have made us less safe than before 9/11, bankrupted this economy, started an illegal war they can't - and don't intend to - finish, removed what sympathy (after 9/11) and respect the world had for the US, and have robbed US citizens of many of their basic rights. Global warming? What's that? Science and education? Investment in our future? No, thanks - we'll stick with a good 'ole hockey mom. Ignorant, and f***ing proud of it, as is always the case.

Although it looks like a shoo-in, it ain't over 'til Florida. And there are plenty of racists in this country who will vote against their own best interests....

David Byrne
NYC

Well, jeez, Dave, you've lived in the US of Ignoramuses and Racists for more than 50 years and made quite the nice living tolerating us lesser beings outside of NYC, but you've never bothered to become a citizen, and now you're gonna bitch about whom we elect?

Blow me.

Saint Kansas, Cleveland

It's Only Snarky 'til Someone Gets Shot

2008-09-03T15:25:00.002-04:00

"Insert this [bulletproof panel] in your child’s notebook or binder, and it will stop up to a .44 Magnum bullet. As for irrational fears, well, nothing can stop those." – John Campanelli, Plain Dealer, September 1, 2008.

"Willoughby South High School was on lockdown this morning after a student fired a gun inside the building and threatened to kill himself." – Plain Dealer, September 2, 2008.

"The Shaker Heights man who shot two people in Beachwood and Cleveland Heights in 2002 and was found innocent due to insanity is fit to re-enter society a mental health team said today…. He was paranoid schizophrenic and psychotic in 2002 when he rode his bicycle through Cleveland Heights and Beachwood randomly shooting at white people, striking two." – Plain Dealer, September 3, 2008

Annoying Kansas

2008-04-18T09:04:00.003-04:00

Seeing as Forgetting Sarah Marshall opens today, I might as well repost the mighty Blanking Blank list of "gerund + proper noun" movie titles. We're up to 54* now:

Americanizing Shelley
Becoming Jane
Being John Malkovich
Being Julia
Being Ron Jeremy
Bleeding Iowa
Boxing Helena
Capturing the Friedmans
Chasing Amy
Chasing Holden
Copying Beethoven
Deconstructing Harry
Dreaming Lhasa
Driving Miss Daisy
Drowning Mona
Eating Raoul
Educating Rita
Feeling Minnesota
Fighting Tommy Riley
Finding Forrester
Finding Nemo
Finding Neverland
Finding North
Finding Preet
Forgetting Sarah Marshall
Forgiving Dr. Mengele
Forgiving the Franklins
Guarding Tess
Introducing the Dwights
Killing Emmett Young
Killing Zoe
Kissing Jessica Stein
Knowing Richard Black
Leaving Las Vegas
Leaving Metropolis
Outing Riley
Raising Arizona
Raising Flagg
Raising Helen
Raising Victor Vargas
Regarding Henry
Robbing Peter
Saving Grace
Saving Private Ryan
Saving Silverman
Seducing Dr. Lewis
Serving Sara
Stealing Harvard
Surviving Christmas
Teaching Mrs. Tingle
Undertaking Betty
Waking Ned Devine
Winning London
Wrestling Ernest Hemingway

*There are about 50 Finding... entries alone at IMDB.com, but most are either shorts or so limited in their release that no one can prove they exist.

Strung Out

2008-02-29T08:48:00.001-05:00

Sorry for the seven-month break between posts: Wal-Mart had a closeout on musical accessories, and I've been restringing every guitar in the house.

STC SAWA RECHARGE RIYADH SA

2007-07-31T14:16:00.000-04:00

I'm hoping that nasty headline might draw in some other people who've had $80 charges for Saudi Arabia cell phone service show up on their bank statements recently.

I caught four $80 transactions to STC SAWA RECHARGE RIYADH SA today before they were posted. And I'm not the only one seeing these: check this thread if you haven't already. Here too.

Handy notes: This can't be a World of Warcraft thing, cause I don't know WoW from Pong (although I did recently swipe the old debit card at GameStop). Online merchants I've done business with include GoDaddy, PowWeb, NetFlix, iTunes, Beatport, TracFone, and Ohio.net.

Post your clues below.

What Seems to Be the Problem?

2007-07-17T10:09:00.000-04:00

Well, doctor, for one thing, it appears a rather large, slovenly man in the waiting room has eaten three of your patients.

G8 Protesters Amuse, Enlighten...Each Other

2007-06-10T08:35:00.000-04:00

I didn't know there was a G8 protest going on. I had just popped into Borders Express to pick up a Captain Underpants book for my son and check out the "Out of Office Countdown" desk calendar and "George W. Bush Voodoo Kit" by the register. The usual.

But in Public Square I stumbled upon what I'm guessing was a G8 protest, or might one day be a G8 protest when it grows up. Twelve or so protesters (yes, I counted) had set up a tiny amplifier and mic (whose mighty 15 watts reached, somewhat symbolically, almost beyond the group membership itself). They'd hung a decorative paper globe from a mic stand and G8 flags around their necks. Each, in turn, would praise his or her country (in sub-Burger King drive-through sound quality; e.g., bzzztt global warming mmmwwwaaa bzzzt billions zzzzzt) and then have at the globe with a yellow whiffle ball bat. Gently, mind you: I think their budget required them to return it to Hallmark after the protest. Two old bags worked the periphery and handed out the usual communist newspaper to those who wandered into the generous Moonbat/Reality Buffer.

That's it. All in all, a non-event. It seemed like a bit of work to attract, well, me and one girl who stopped to watch (the smoking area outside DeVry, in contrast, attracted six times the audience). I like the second photo, because it gives an idea of the true scope of the, erm, event:

I should also mention that Lunch Hour Jesus Boy, as usual, was just across the way with his acoustic guitar and pwned them with his mighty PA system. Time for the commies to apply for a grant from the local arts council.

When Irish Guys Are Stalking

2007-04-04T09:39:00.000-04:00

I had to take a short detour to do it, but I just had to walk past the Celtic Woman tour busses this morning, on the off chance that one of those lovely wee faerie sprites slumbering within should happen to spot me, jump out of the bus and propose marriage.

Ah, my heart is singing this morning just knowing I was that close to my one true love, Mairead, Maev, Orla, Lisa, and/or Chloe.

Surefire Studio Greenlight

2007-03-23T10:03:00.000-04:00

Mad-Libs style: "Hi, [name of movie producer in room], I have a killer idea for a film. It's called [gerund] [proper noun] and it can't fail! Now let's go snort this line of [type of powder] off of this hooker's back."

It's worked before; these are just the ones that come to mind right off the top of my head. Please add more as you think of them:

Americanizing Shelley
Becoming Jane
Being John Malkovich
Being Julia
Boxing Helena
Capturing the Friedmans
Chasing Amy
Chasing Holden
Copying Beethoven
Deconstructing Harry
Driving Miss Daisy
Drowning Mona
Eating Raoul
Educating Rita
Feeling Minnesota
Finding Forrester
Finding Nemo
Finding Neverland
Forgiving Dr. Mengele
Forgiving the Franklins
Introducing the Dwights
Killing Zoe
Kissing Jessica Stein
Leaving Las Vegas
Raising Arizona
Raising Flagg
Raising Helen
Raising Victor Vargas
Regarding Henry
Saving Grace
Saving Private Ryan
Saving Silverman
Seducing Dr. Lewis
Serving Sara
Stealing Harvard
Surviving Christmas
Teaching Mrs. Tingle
Undertaking Betty
Waking Ned Devine
Winning London

Update: I just remembered Eating Raoul, which, being released in '82, diplaces Educating Rita ('83) as the oldest one I remember. The Blanking Blank glut didn't really hit until the mid-'90s, though.

Update 2: I don't know how I forgot Finding Nemo, or how I remembered Stealing Harvard.

Update 3: Many thanks to Barb the Evil Genius for her contributions, and enjoy the new alphabetized list, which reveals Finding and Raising tied for first, closely followed by Being and Saving. And let us not ignore the ripple effect on television, including "Breaking Bonaduce," "Shooting Sizemore," and "Saving Jessica Lynch."

The Divine Mr Gore

2007-03-07T10:11:00.000-05:00

Al Gore and Divine: separated at birth?

We Also Like Shiny Objects

2007-02-26T12:09:00.000-05:00

One of these Academy Awards wrap-up pieces is not like the others:

"Alternately...a bore and a horror" - Washington Post
"Unspectacular bordering on dull" - Variety
"The letdown began long before the evening wrapped up" - New York Times
"It felt more like...a PBS pledge drive" - Los Angeles Times
"Plenty of fun, surprises highlight Oscar night" - The Plain Dealer

Global Warming News

2007-02-26T04:53:00.000-05:00

True story: the earth's temperature rose enough yesterday that it uncovered the tip of some lost object in my driveway.

An expedition with my children revealed that it was indeed my Wall Street Journal from February 13, lost in the Valentine's Day Blizzard of '06.

Forunately, the paper's environmentally unfriendly plastic bag, coupled with the icy tomb surrounding it, perfectly preserved this document of an earlier and more simpler time. I'll report any findings in a press conference later this week.

Diminishing Returns

2007-02-23T15:33:00.000-05:00

All of the emphasis placed below is mine; you're clever enough to figure it out.

Roger Ebert, alone at the keyboard, on An Inconvenient Truth:

"This film reflects the truth as I understand it, and it represents, I believe, agreement among the world's experts.

"'There is no controversy about these facts,' [Gore] says in the film. 'Out of 925 recent articles in peer-review scientific journals about global warming, there was no disagreement. Zero.'

"Gore says that…there is '100 percent agreement' among scientists.

"Am I acting as an advocate in this review? Yes, I am. I believe that to be 'impartial' and 'balanced' on global warming means one must take a position like Gore's. There is no other view that can be defended."

Charlie Rose interviewing State of Fear author Michael Crichton, February 2007:

"Every good scientist that I talk to says to me, '90 percent of the scientists agree on this…. Most of the scientists say 'We all agree on this, you know, that it is catastrophic.'

"Do you disagree with the idea that the majority of scientists who are experts in this area have a different conclusion than you?"

Whoa, slow down Charlie! Let me get a notepad to write down all these big numbers!

Local Rag's Fag Hag Slags

2007-02-08T12:53:00.000-05:00

Caution: contents may be salty.

I'm done. Yeah, I know I've just blown my chances of getting hired to blog for any presidential candidate by using hate speech like "fag," but there you go. You fag.

I just can't take the friggin' Plain Dealer and the staff's nonstop jockeying for the Most Liberal Columnist trophy (also known as the Pulitzer). I think Connie Schultz has even legally changed her name to Pulitzer Prize Winning Columnist Connie Schultz, in honor of "her pungent [sic] columns that provided a voice for the underdog and underprivileged." Seems to me they provided a voice for another white liberal, of which there is no shortage in Cleveland media. Nonetheless, as the old Monty Python skit goes, I fart in the general direction of her medal. Pungently.

What underprivileged group is the recipient of PPWCC Shultz's grace this week? Let's read, shall we?

When I first heard that Cleveland was about to launch a marketing campaign to entice gays and lesbians to spend their tourism dollars here, I scratched my head and let out a long hmmmm.

Um, 'scuse me? Didn't we tell all those gays and lesbians that we don't want them here? Wasn't that the basic message after the majority of Ohio voters passed that heinous bill in 2004 called Issue 1?

Um, no. And frankly, I'm out of patience with this sort of Legislation for Dummies guilt-baiting—if you vote for Issue 1, you're a homophobe—and downright scared at the depth of thought that enables the stretch demonstrated above. No, dumb-ass, that was Issue 1.1 (Be it Resolved by the People of the State of Ohio that We Don't Want Gays Here), which didn't pass because it doesn't exist. Nor should it. Did you vote to raise Ohio's minimum wage to $6.85? You did? Well, bite me, you cheap-ass poor-hating capitalist bastard! The push for a national minimum is $7.25! What sort of elitist prick votes for $6.85? You can't live on that!

I'd post of sample of Issue 1, but why? The whole heinous thing fits very nicely right here:

Be it Resolved by the People of the State of Ohio:
That the Constitution of the State of Ohio be amended by adopting a section to be designated as Section 11 of Article XV thereof, to read as follows:
Article XV
Section 11. Only a union between one man and one woman may be a marriage valid in or recognized by this state and its political subdivisions. This state and its political subdivisions shall not create or recognize a legal status for relationships of unmarried individuals that intends to approximate the design, qualities, significance or effect of marriage.

What bullshit! Are we telling teenage boys married to three sisters and a goat that we don't want them here? 'Scuse me?

So, what could the [visitor] bureau be thinking?

One word: ka-ching.

Turns out, lots of gays and lesbians make lots and lots of money.

Note to self: "underprivileged" is no longer only shorthand for "black." "Lots and lots of money" and "underprivilged"…even better together!

OK, here comes the old "Many of my friends are black, etc." appeal—you know, where Whitey McLiberal thinks back to that nice black man who served drinks on the cruise ship last summer. That counts, right? What's so damned funny is PPWCC Shultz's use of "they" and "them"—more than 15 instances. You know… them.

You can't do much business -- or even much living -- in Cleveland without coming across some annoyingly talented and generous member of the gay, lesbian, transgender and bisexual community. The list is long in my own life, past and present: my pastor, our mortgage broker, several chefs, three florists, a former veterinarian, a hairdresser who moved away, a printer and several of my closest friends. All those friends could afford to buy houses before I did.

Wow. A gay florist? A gay hairdresser? Oh my God, stop the presses! Alert the media! Wait…this IS the media! News Flash: PULITZER PRIZE WINNING COLUMNIST'S GAY HAIR ROMP!

Big fucking deal. Do I have to make my own list to prove my "gay cred?" Oh crap, I do. (RIGHT-WING BLOGGER'S LITTLE PINK BOOK: REVEALED!) Hey, I celebrate diversity: my list even includes gays who are frankly not at all talented and downright cheap and can't afford houses. OK, I'll give: the guy who cuts my hair, our old babysitter, a couple of cousins, my old college girlfriend, a handful of professors, and so on. I've also done dance remixes—the making of gay songs even gayer—for gay bands in D.C. and Toronto and lobbied to bring them to Cleveland to perform. Thank you, you can mail the Tolerance medal to my house.

The irony, of course, is that I closet myself as a conservative among not only my gay friends, but in general. I do the remixes under another name for fear of blacklisting. I peeled my W sticker off the car after a college age girl flipped off my kids and then swerved in front of us on Cedar. You can get run off the fucking road for being a conservative in tolerant Cleveland Heights. PPWCC, meet Underdog.

The best news has been the response to the marketing plan so far. Sarah Fryberger, the visitor bureau's spokeswoman, had expected an onslaught of negative calls. Instead, a growing number of businesses and civic organizations are calling to jump on the welcome train. They want to make sure they're on the list of LGBT-friendly places.

I wish they'd been so eager in their support of the LGBT community in 2004, but let's not quibble. They're stepping up now. Welcome.

Um, what happened to ka-ching? One word, remember?

One person from New York called warning…that some gays and lesbians won't travel to Ohio because they're afraid that, should their partner get sick, they'll be banned from the hospital emergency room. Fryberger is compiling a list of hospitals where policies honor such couples.

Amen. Great. If you have to, lie. (Yeah, that wasn't really my wife's sister who took her to the ER. Shhhh…) Hell, I was pissed one time when I couldn't call to challenge our gas bill 'cause the account was in my wife's name, which is different from mine. It's a bitch being progressive like me.

Think about it. Even if I laced my husband's meatloaf with arsenic, I'd be allowed to stand next to his hospital bed simply because he married the opposite sex. Imagine the damage I could do until his blood test came back.

Well, yes, you could read your columns aloud.

Save the Environment - Nominate Kerry/Edwards '08

2007-01-23T14:57:00.000-05:00

It would save so many trees if they didn't have to print all new bumper stickers this time around, since every single frigging car in Cleveland Heights still has one on the back bumper.

The Sound of Spam

2007-01-23T13:05:00.000-05:00

I was cleaning out my Bulk Mail folder today and suddenly realized what a great techno CD the subject headers would make. Side 1 rocks hard, while Side 2 definitely sounds a little more introspective.

Slide 1

slake motivation
zoccur
to continue
which to pollution
rxfloozi

Slide 2

call me
for at ceiling
the ping
a special kiss
re: notice

The Hot Buttered Soul of Wit

2007-01-22T13:58:00.000-05:00

Writing for Salon.com, Debra J. Dickerson today takes 1,905 words to convey what I said in one line from my Barack Obama carol: "He's black, but not too black."

Whites, on the other hand, are engaged in a paroxysm of self-congratulation; he's the equivalent of Stephen Colbert's "black friend." Swooning over nice, safe Obama means you aren't a racist.... If he were Ronald Washington from Detroit, even with the same résumé, he wouldn't be getting this kind of love. Washington would have to earn it, not just show promise of it, and even then whites would remain wary.

Think of the time you could save coming here instead of Salon; plus you get free music and no stupid sponsor "day pass." It's on me, baby.

Ex-Professor Claims Dog Feces Is Political Expression

2007-01-18T11:24:00.000-05:00

South Park character and Colorado neighbor Mr. Hanky to testify -- no shit!

Do forgive the dear old professor; in her delusion she has also mistaken a steaming pile of dog crap for a political platform.

For Your Day-After-MLK Jr.-Day Viewing Pleasure

2007-01-16T14:56:00.000-05:00

An old review of "Our Friend Martin."

I Have Never Seen "24"

2007-01-16T06:42:00.001-05:00

I feel oddly compelled to confess that.

He Feels My Pain

2007-01-04T12:27:00.000-05:00

"Even I, who am deaf, find that painful to listen to."

- Rush Limbaugh, upon playing a Cindy Sheehan soundbite.

Won't Someone Think of the Elephants?

2007-01-04T11:05:00.000-05:00

For a country that prefers its elephants crucified rather than worshipped, we sure do love those big smelly things. Sick of Google's liberal shenanigans, I recently signed up with GoodSearch, which promises to donate to the cause of your choice. Apparenlty the Lupus Foundation will now get .000001 cent every time I do a search for nude photos of Jessica Alba. But the big winner, according to Good Search's "success stories" sidebar, are the elephants:

The Elephant Sanctuary, $2,260
St. Jude Children's Research Hospital, $920
Save Darfur, $820

Which leads me to believe that either Brit boy band has-been Lee "What About Whales?" Ryan is more influential than I thought possible, or Kim Basinger is running non-stop online queries in search of her career.