the most holy site of
Saint Kansas

The crushingly sad news out of Russia today again has me pondering that theological question: What would 900-foot Jesus do?
F**k Meryl Streep—George W. Bush’s personal savior isn’t all loaves and fishes and photo ops with lambs and children.

The new black, “Overwhelmingly White” spreads easily with a broad brush:

Pop quiz, hotshot. Reporting on the Republican National Convention for NPR’s Morning Edition, Mara Liasson described which of the following as “overwhelmingly white”?

1. The Republican Party
2. John F. Kerry’s Beacon Hill neighbors
3. Senator Robert Byrd’s old Klan wardrobe
4. Her own ghastly complexion

The correct answer is 1., The Republican Party. The judges also would have accepted the Democratic Party, Congress, the Massachusettes Supreme Court, the on-air staff at National Public Radio, the on-air staff of Air America, the large, pasty-white asses of Bill Clinton, Michael Moore, and Al Franken, and, at over 77 percent white, the United States.

Interesting new drug trial:

Are You Afraid of Large Containers of Condiments?

Trial Information

Summary: Rapid Treatment for Bigboxophobia using Realichex®.

• Are you afraid to enter large, one-story buildings with parking lots?
• Do you harbor a secret fear of 55-gallon drums of Miracle Whip™?
• Do you have nightmares in which liberal friends spot you naked at Wal-Mart?
• Have you ever considered clipping a coupon? Aborting a child?
• Are you hearing voices, noises, or blue light specials?
• Do you use words like “progressive” to describe yourself?
• Have you entertained delusions like these:

I felt like…. I'll never leave my house because I'll have to care for these children. I'll have to start shopping only at Costco and buying big jars of mayonnaise. - Amy Richards, New York Times Magazine

My wife an I used to tell ourselves that we’re the kind of sophisticated urbanites who would never trek across the river to shop at some enormous, soulless warehouse store; then we got our baby and decided there’s nothing especially sophisticated or urbane about paying premium price for diapers…. Come for diapers, next thing you know, your're walking out with a 10 gallon can of olive oil and a 20 pound tin of rice crackers. - Scott Simon, NPR’s Weekend Edition Saturday

If you are experiencing one or more of these symptoms, you may be eligible to receive FREE confidential treatment with an investigational medication called Realichex.

Participants who complete the study receive a $250 Wal-Mart gift card and a month’s supply of Wendy’s chili!

Call today to determine your eligibility. All calls are confidential.

Patient Inclusion/Exclusion:
At least 18 years of age.
Manhattan area only.
Journalists currently undergoing treatment for inflated self-importance especially encouraged to apply.

We welcome our new sponsor:

We’re through the looking glass here, people...

Documents found buried deep within the CIA website confirm the existence of not one but two Americas—a theory posited by vice presidential nominee John Edwards!

Government maps reveal the shocking existence of something the CIA refers to cryptically as “North America” and “South America.”

Internet chatter suggests Edwards’ plan to unite the two Americas could center on something called “The Panama Canal.” More soon...

When Michael Moore said at a forum in Boston yesterday that Republicans “are up at six in the morning trying to figure out which minority group they’re going to screw today,” he wasn’t just blowing the usual smoke out of his prodigious blowhole.

A graph printed in the latest issue of the GOP’s newsletter, Rising Tide, reveals the surprising results of an informal subscriber survey:

How do you decide each morning which minority group to screw?

Source: Rising Tide, August 2004

Would you support/be willing to pay for a Minority-a-Day calendar? Yes 76%.
Would you support an initiative to hate minorities by week rather than by day? Yes 56%.

As smart as I’d look in Planned Parenthood’s I Had An Abortion tee, I’m not one of those lying liars ... so, I’ve designed this number: a shirt for “the rest of us.”

saintkansas.com presents

“the real red state/blue state quiz”

1. Have you ever married someone of the same sex as a political statement? 10 blue points. (Add 5 blue points if you’re a formerly closeted talk show host.)
   
   
2. Have you ever offered a married man (and/or sitting president) oral sex just for “keeping abortion legal?” 10 blue points.
   
   
3. Do you consider the Constitution a “living, breathing document” (as far as the First Amendment is concerned) or “an outdated relic” (as far as the Second Amendment is concerned)? 20 blue points maximum.
   
   
4. How many occurrences of the words “right to privacy” are in the Constitution? Add that number to the number of occurrences of “public education” to calculate your blue points.
   
   
5. Have you stopped attending your local Unitarian church because it's gotten “too preachy?” 10 blue points.
   
   
6. Have you ever, in conversation at a Manhattan cocktail party, referred to your childhood housekeeper as “my many close African-American friends?” 10 blue points.
   
   
7. If Jesus Christ + Feces = Art, then the Prophet Mohammed + Feces = (a) art, (b) a hate crime. 10 blue points for (b).
   
   
8. America is the world’s No. 1 producer of (a) foreign aid, (b) pharmaceutical breakthroughs, (c) terrorism. 10 blue points for (c).
   
   
9. “The real criminal” is: (a) O.J. Simpson (b) George W. Bush. 10 blue points for (b).
   
   
10. Salon.com provides you a valuable balance to the right-wing bias you’ve felt creeping into The New York Times. True or false? 10 blue points for true.
    
    

Scoring:
Whatever you scored, you’re not as blue as you think. But we won’t tell.

Shop the Saint Kansas store. Please. My children keep bugging me for “food.”